RealEyes

there once was a time i sat in a cell very empty and   dead inside ready to let go and leave it all behind start again rid of the darkness let the light shine in that cell was small it reeked of hate screams for help gasping for air excruciating pain satan trying to win that cell resembled death death brought to life so thank you for the cell that reeked of hate that started a new beginning a chapter ending hoping to never be reopened   because that hate within will eat you alive carry you to a pit   and pull you in in to a deep hole that will suck you dry escape that prison don’t let it lock you in escape the prison that’s holding you in let go of it all and run to the one who can save you from it all -Danielle Schriver

One will never know  what's inside a heart that isn't yours yours that bleeds  wishing to be  in someone's hands to bleed it out and breathe again the hurt inside came undone it's in your hand's what will be left now inside me will I breathe again My secrets there in your hand's it could separate  you from me will you take what's  in your hand's to stay and love or let it go  to breathe again what's the difference  between loving and breathing is there a difference what will you do  with the heart thats there lying in your hands what i need and what I want may not be what's there lying in your hands take my heart take my love tell me if i'll breathe or bleed again -Danielle Schriver

It’s a big small world there’s a lot to be seen Little to be heard you’ll feel small some days brave on other days Waves of excitement   days filled with dread new days will arise dwellings or worry leave them behind And if I could I would go back To tell her of the love that comes from above don’t let thoughts and   false words of others define your worth or tear you down because there will always be lies they’ll cut right through it’ll hurt and you’ll cry but you will be alright And if I could I would go back to tell her   things and people don’t provide love like the love that comes from above be kind to the ones you hate rid of the darkness be the light be the salt be the love -Danielle Schriver

FOMO NO MO fear of missing out Ecclesiastes 2: 1-3 “I said to myself, “I will try having fun. I will enjoy myself.” But I found that this is also useless. It is foolish to laugh all the time, and having fun doesn’t accomplish anything. I decided to cheery myself up with wine while my mind was still thinking wisely. I wanted to find a way to enjoy myself and see what was good for people to do during their few days of life.” Well, it’s a no wonder my depression worsened due to the choices I was making. I was living life to HAVE FUN!! Ran away to Colorado where there were so many things to do, people to meet, things to see. I didn’t care how I had to make it happen, I was going to live in Colorado and do what I wanted. In small town Gothenburg I felt like I was missing out on life. I wanted excitement! I was missing out on music shows and festivals, art festivals, mountains to climb, people to gather with to drink and socialize, you name it, I wanted it. That WAS going to

June 24, 2018 “I want help. I don’t know where to go for it. You can look on the internet for ‘counseling’ and the endless  amount of results is a little overwhelming. How the crap do I just pick one? When will I make change? What’s the first step I need to make? I’m tired of being sad…” Looking back now, I can remember what felt like never ending self agony. I knew I needed help. I knew I  needed to make a change. I didn’t know how to find the strength… Suicide is a leading cause of death in the United States. In 2017 suicide was the 10th causing lead of  death [ https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/ !] That’s way too high of a number. And I’m sure  the number today hasn’t gotten any smaller. It’s a real problem. We need not to be scared to a) talk about it b) reach out for help c) be someone that someone can reach out to. Chances are, the person that is feeling suicidal doesn’t want to reach out for help. The shame and guilt that is being carried

It wasn’t one incident that made me do what I did. It wasn’t a moment, a single moment. It was a build up of years of stuffing away anger and intense emotions. It was me giving up. I was tired and I was exhausted.  -------------------- Journal:  I didn’t lose my faith completely. I came close; I just wanted out of my suffering. I really didn’t know if the suffering was going to end. I allowed Satan to get a tight grip on me and I was tired of fighting the battle. I became weak. I felt overwhelmed with shame and guilt. I was tired of hiding behind a mask. No one would know, meeting me and being around me, what I was suffering.That’s not something I wanted to share unless I became close to a person. The self-pity I was always feeling was embarrassing. I didn’t think people took me seriously when I was reaching out for help. It felt like the people close to me weren’t listening! They weren’t understanding how messed up in my head I was! So, I did it. I overdosed. I no long

January 27th, 2019   “I miss the sunshine and outside fresh air. It’s amazing the things we take for granted. The smallest, tiniest things we don’t think about on our daily hussle and bussle lives. Being locked up here has me missing my freedom and making me grateful for my life and everything God has blessed me with. I’m grateful for my eyes to see the sunshine shining through the window right now, my healthy skin to be able to enjoy outside air and physical capabilities to do the activities I enjoy. I’m grateful for my health, that I don’t have a physical or other mental illness that can’t be dealt with. I miss the freedom to be able to do what I want and need. Like brush my hair and teeth, shower, poop in private, eat what I want, write with a pen, sleep in my bed, the list could go on and on. I really miss being able to go outside the most. It’s probably ok to get a break from my music. Let my mind just be, instead of influenced by all the music all the time. Same with tv. P

When I got home (home back here with family), I didn’t think I was going to get over the heartbreak. The heart break I had caused unto myself and unto others I love. The heaviness of guilt I was carrying with me felt too heavy to think that it would ever go away. I was lying in bed one night shortly after getting home and a song came on and the words sang, “said you loved me, but what does that mean? would you cry, if I would leave? In my aching hands running down your spine, you said you’d love me.” This song is one I’ll put on just to remember how far I’ve come from that night I first heard it. That night I felt how broken I was by all the walls I’ve let down for men, for relationships. Giving myself fully to people I should not have been. My heart felt broken into pieces. This was a moment of questioning why I’d done the things I’ve done and asking God if I’ll ever be better... It took years of anger held in, impulsive decisions with serious consequences, self inflicted vi

heart beaten down no more I can do emptiness inside not a single clear view venom in my veins red hot wrists cold black eyes skin wearing thin you saw through it all that deep in my heart it was you I was longing for self indulgence lust and infatuation meaningless encounters whisper whispers of nothing emotions of rage spitting through clenched teeth tears crashing down broken within yet you saw through it all that deep in my heart it was you I was longing for tired eyes  no hope to be seen mouth opened wide downed all of my fears I don't remember how  but I screamed out for help even when it felt impossible to fight the devil through it all  it led me to you cold stone heart shattered being remade with the love of Jesus I am saved <3 <3 <3

I know that everyones depression is different because we are our own selves but I think people who have had or do live with depression can relate in one way or another. Awhile back I made a book of what depression can be like for me. I wanted the ones who loved me to get insight and an understanding of what goes on inside me. Not everyone will understand but it's important to let others in and share your struggles and let others know how they can help at all when in a time of depression. It's not pretty, it's not enjoyable, it's nothing to celebrate, it's not in desire of attention. It's also not something we should hide, feel ashamed of or less of a person. I don't care how far you've fallen into your hole, you CAN climb up it and out of it with the help from others and from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  "As for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." -- Micah 7:7 The Sp

September 10, 2011 “I really am not liking my life lately. Feeling’ depressed. This isn’t good.     I don’t feel cared for. And I don’t know what to do. I want to go crazy. “ September 20, 2011 “Some days are sooo good. Some days are bleh. Some days are shit. Everyone has em. Question: why does my mood change drastically from one day to the next? My mind set changes so much. One day it’s completely positive, the next day or so, it’s opposite. It don’t make sense to me!   Today, I’m… bleh. It’s w/e. Yesterday… I was so happy. And the whole weekend I was happy. It was great.” December 2, 2011 Dear Life, “You’re frustrating. Sometimes I just wanna quit, be normal for a bit. But I can’t, Jesus’ on my side. Devil tryna get the best of me, psst, he can kiss my butt.” [can we just get a HA HA right there (GEEZ)] August 29, 2012 Jesus, I have a HARD time dealing with my emotions. I know you understand and I’d like to feel better. I want t