RealEyes

January 27th, 2019   “I miss the sunshine and outside fresh air. It’s amazing the things we take for granted. The smallest, tiniest things we don’t think about on our daily hussle and bussle lives. Being locked up here has me missing my freedom and making me grateful for my life and everything God has blessed me with. I’m grateful for my eyes to see the sunshine shining through the window right now, my healthy skin to be able to enjoy outside air and physical capabilities to do the activities I enjoy. I’m grateful for my health, that I don’t have a physical or other mental illness that can’t be dealt with. I miss the freedom to be able to do what I want and need. Like brush my hair and teeth, shower, poop in private, eat what I want, write with a pen, sleep in my bed, the list could go on and on. I really miss being able to go outside the most. It’s probably ok to get a break from my music. Let my mind just be, instead of influenced by all the music all the time. Same with tv. P

When I got home (home back here with family), I didn’t think I was going to get over the heartbreak. The heart break I had caused unto myself and unto others I love. The heaviness of guilt I was carrying with me felt too heavy to think that it would ever go away. I was lying in bed one night shortly after getting home and a song came on and the words sang, “said you loved me, but what does that mean? would you cry, if I would leave? In my aching hands running down your spine, you said you’d love me.” This song is one I’ll put on just to remember how far I’ve come from that night I first heard it. That night I felt how broken I was by all the walls I’ve let down for men, for relationships. Giving myself fully to people I should not have been. My heart felt broken into pieces. This was a moment of questioning why I’d done the things I’ve done and asking God if I’ll ever be better... It took years of anger held in, impulsive decisions with serious consequences, self inflicted vi

heart beaten down no more I can do emptiness inside not a single clear view venom in my veins red hot wrists cold black eyes skin wearing thin you saw through it all that deep in my heart it was you I was longing for self indulgence lust and infatuation meaningless encounters whisper whispers of nothing emotions of rage spitting through clenched teeth tears crashing down broken within yet you saw through it all that deep in my heart it was you I was longing for tired eyes  no hope to be seen mouth opened wide downed all of my fears I don't remember how  but I screamed out for help even when it felt impossible to fight the devil through it all  it led me to you cold stone heart shattered being remade with the love of Jesus I am saved <3 <3 <3

I know that everyones depression is different because we are our own selves but I think people who have had or do live with depression can relate in one way or another. Awhile back I made a book of what depression can be like for me. I wanted the ones who loved me to get insight and an understanding of what goes on inside me. Not everyone will understand but it's important to let others in and share your struggles and let others know how they can help at all when in a time of depression. It's not pretty, it's not enjoyable, it's nothing to celebrate, it's not in desire of attention. It's also not something we should hide, feel ashamed of or less of a person. I don't care how far you've fallen into your hole, you CAN climb up it and out of it with the help from others and from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  "As for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." -- Micah 7:7 The Sp