Wake Up!!

January 27th, 2019 

“I miss the sunshine and outside fresh air. It’s amazing the things we take for granted. The smallest, tiniest things we don’t think about on our daily hussle and bussle lives. Being locked up here has me missing my freedom and making me grateful for my life and everything God has blessed me with. I’m grateful for my eyes to see the sunshine shining through the window right now, my healthy skin to be able to enjoy outside air and physical capabilities to do the activities I enjoy. I’m grateful for my health, that I don’t have a physical or other mental illness that can’t be dealt with. I miss the freedom to be able to do what I want and need. Like brush my hair and teeth, shower, poop in private, eat what I want, write with a pen, sleep in my bed, the list could go on and on. I really miss being able to go outside the most.

It’s probably ok to get a break from my music. Let my mind just be, instead of influenced by all the music all the time. Same with tv. Probably ok to get a break from that. Also social media. That shit will kill you. It’s just competition on whose lives are better.

I want to go to the gym. I want to run and feel my body sweat and strengthen again.

The girl I room with is on the phone with her family and I just heard her say, “it’s like jail in here, I just want to go outside.” She is absolutely right. Being locked into this small room ALL day literally will make a person go insane. It’s a waste of life. It’s NOT HELPING! It’s just preventing self harm, but no coping skills, therapy, no outside time, it’s just not good. You get lost in your head and that’s what will drive a person crazy. Through all this, I thank God. It’s opened my eyes tremendously. If this didn’t, what would?

It wasn’t my time to go, shame on me for trying. God has something planned for my life. I’m on this earth for a reason. Small or big, we all have gifts to use. Everyone is special in our own ways. I don’t want to fight that anymore. I want to love me. Then I will allow others to love me. I desire healthy relationships.”

I followed the woman at the hospital through the big doors and down a white hallway to come to a stop where she told me to sit and that I was being held for 72 hours. She left me and I began to freak out. “What? No, let me talk to someone. I don’t need to stay here!” I sat down, crying hysterically and finally noticed there were people in the room, watching tv in the dark. They looked miserable. There was a guy with a blanket around his head, dark eyes, sad face. My eyes glanced around the room, in disbelief that I ended up in such a place. This had to be a nightmare I was soon to wake up from. A man came and sat down beside me and asked me if I was okay. “If you need to talk about it, I’m here.” Dude, leave me alone. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I guess he picked up on that because he got up and went back to his sad spot to watch more tv. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I didn’t belong here. I tried letting the nurses know that. The nurses were all behind glass windows, unamused by my hysterical behavior. “Let me talk to someone!! I don’t need to be here!!” They told me I was spending the night and the nurse asked me if I wanted sleeping medicine. I accepted as I did not want to stay up all night crying. I slept through the night and the next morning, a red headed older nurse came and sat beside me with my medicine. She looked at me with perched lips and raised eyebrows and said, “if you want to get out of here you’re going to have to change your attitude. You screaming and crying will only make you stay here longer. Quit the crying and get out there and socialize and prove you don’t belong here.” I quit crying immediately and shook my head yes. And I did just that... 

**to be continued**