RealEyes

FOMO NO MO fear of missing out Ecclesiastes 2: 1-3 “I said to myself, “I will try having fun. I will enjoy myself.” But I found that this is also useless. It is foolish to laugh all the time, and having fun doesn’t accomplish anything. I decided to cheery myself up with wine while my mind was still thinking wisely. I wanted to find a way to enjoy myself and see what was good for people to do during their few days of life.” Well, it’s a no wonder my depression worsened due to the choices I was making. I was living life to HAVE FUN!! Ran away to Colorado where there were so many things to do, people to meet, things to see. I didn’t care how I had to make it happen, I was going to live in Colorado and do what I wanted. In small town Gothenburg I felt like I was missing out on life. I wanted excitement! I was missing out on music shows and festivals, art festivals, mountains to climb, people to gather with to drink and socialize, you name it, I wanted it. That WAS going to

June 24, 2018 “I want help. I don’t know where to go for it. You can look on the internet for ‘counseling’ and the endless  amount of results is a little overwhelming. How the crap do I just pick one? When will I make change? What’s the first step I need to make? I’m tired of being sad…” Looking back now, I can remember what felt like never ending self agony. I knew I needed help. I knew I  needed to make a change. I didn’t know how to find the strength… Suicide is a leading cause of death in the United States. In 2017 suicide was the 10th causing lead of  death [ https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/ !] That’s way too high of a number. And I’m sure  the number today hasn’t gotten any smaller. It’s a real problem. We need not to be scared to a) talk about it b) reach out for help c) be someone that someone can reach out to. Chances are, the person that is feeling suicidal doesn’t want to reach out for help. The shame and guilt that is being carried

It wasn’t one incident that made me do what I did. It wasn’t a moment, a single moment. It was a build up of years of stuffing away anger and intense emotions. It was me giving up. I was tired and I was exhausted.  -------------------- Journal:  I didn’t lose my faith completely. I came close; I just wanted out of my suffering. I really didn’t know if the suffering was going to end. I allowed Satan to get a tight grip on me and I was tired of fighting the battle. I became weak. I felt overwhelmed with shame and guilt. I was tired of hiding behind a mask. No one would know, meeting me and being around me, what I was suffering.That’s not something I wanted to share unless I became close to a person. The self-pity I was always feeling was embarrassing. I didn’t think people took me seriously when I was reaching out for help. It felt like the people close to me weren’t listening! They weren’t understanding how messed up in my head I was! So, I did it. I overdosed. I no long