Let's be real

I want to keep things real and raw. I'm going to share things on here I thought I would never tell anyone in life. I didn't want people to know what I was struggling with for so long. But here I am, wanting to be open and honest, real and raw. So let's talk about real things. Real emotions. Feelings. All the feels. How you wish sometimes you didn't have them because they can be so overwhelming. I want to tell you when it began for me. Depression, that is...

I was 13. I remember a specific moment, vividly. I was in bed, dreading for morning to come yet again. I felt a lot of confusion on why my personality was shifting so much.  I was starting to feel uninterested in things that normally I cared for or about. I wasn't as bubbly as usual. I started becoming distant from my friends. I knew I was going through puberty, I knew that. But something felt very abnormal.  I thought about death for the first time and wondered maybe it'd be better off if I was gone. [Like hello, where did that come from, especially at such a young age!?] I went into the kitchen and grabbed the ibuprofen and tylenol bottles and poured a combination of both into my hand, a heaping full amount, curious what would happen to me if I just took them. My parents room is near the kitchen and all a sudden my mom was making what sounded like demonic noises and it scared me so much I hurried to put the pills back in the bottles, ran to my room, heart racing fast and loud and I hid under my covers. "What had I just done?!" I thought. "Did I seriously just contemplate life?" I realized what frightening noises my mom had made was a halt from God saying, "heck to the NO!"

This was only the beginning of a cycle I never foresaw coming.

Satan was out for me and he was about to get a strong hold on me...

Let me tell you this, to be very clear. I was raised in a loving, christian home. I couldn't ask for better parents. I love my parents with all my heart. So the confusion of why I was feeling so lost and unhappy had me filling up with guilt. No traumatic experience had happened for me to be feeling depressed. I was going to youth group, interacting with good, godly people, yada yada ya, it wasn't making sense for me. I loved Jesus. I just not too long ago loved LIFE! I was a young kid, doing what kids do. But then I was wishing something bad would happen to me just so I had a reason why I was starting to feel so crummy.

So, yes, I made it through that night and yes, that night remains in my memories and when I do think back to it, it hurts my heart that at such a young age, depression and satan were taking over me. I could look back now and wish I'd done this or done that to stop the path of destruction that I was about to fall into but what good would that do? What I can do is learn from my struggles and poor choices and make a choice to try my best from here on out.

"Tell the story of the mountains you climbed. Your story could be the words in someone else's survival guide."

"Be willing to keep climbing this high mountain with Me. Sometimes you look back nostalgically at a long-ago stage of your journey. You yearn for that easier, less complicated time in your life. But I want you to recognize it for what it was: a base camp. It was a time and place of preparation for the arduous adventure ahead of you." --Jesus Calling
If you haven't read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young,  I encourage it. It's daily devotions that are relatable and encouraging. A little push to get you through your day.

Have a beautiful rest of your week.