Anxiety

I dreamt I was searching for someone desperately, in panic and anxiety; I had to find this person. I found this person and the cutting words of “I don’t love you forever like I thought I would” cut deep. I walked down to a wide open snowy area —I was at a ski resort— I began dancing or skating, I’m not sure which, and when I was finished I went and took a seat on the ground. A woman came and sat beside me and asked what was wrong. Before I could answer an older white haired man came and sat beside me as well, looked at the lady and said, “didnt you see that?” Referring to me, “she was so angry. But then she started dancing as if their was music playing. She began to smile, a peace overswept her, it appeared. It was beautiful.” And he left. I smiled big, turned to the lady to answer her question, sighed heavily, “I don’t even know where to begin...” 

And in my wildest dreams I never thought my life would be where it is now:  At 24 having to start all over. I thought that was when my life would be getting started.. you know, as a kid you envision going to school and being graduated and having all these friends, enjoying my career, etc. etc. Yeah, life doesn’t always go the way you think it will. 

It didn’t sink in right at first that I was headed to a place that I once remembered as misery. A place I swore I would never go back to. I’ve come to realize all my ‘never’s’ become real. God is helping me see a different perspective on things I looked at with negativity before. 

My body showed how disheveled I was, weighing 100 pounds sopping wet. Inside my mind was a million times worse than what appeared on the outside. I have lost my job, withdrew from school, separated from the man who became apart of my everyday life for the last 3 years, had to abandon [literally] my apartment, no friends, no more hiking or day to day activities I enjoyed; it was time for change. 

And anxiety hit one specific day that I haven’t forgotten. 

I woke up and felt like a stack of bricks was on my chest. It felt physically impossible to get up and even fathom thinking about going about a day normally. I got scared with the thoughts that satan was furiously trying to win at that he always won at before. This was intense. I hadn’t felt this intensity since being home. I called my mom to come home as I could not be alone. The thoughts were so bad I hesitated whether to get myself to the hospital and get help. I felt there was no point in me continuing this thing called life. There was no way I was going to make it, no way. Nothing anyone could say or do was going to help me. This was too dark. 

Mom came home and we prayed, we read the bible but this sickening feeling in my stomach was stubborn. I kept breathing heavily, thinking this was never going to go away. Mom didn’t know what to do, how could she? It wasn’t her job to fix me or what was going on. This was all me having to surrender to God. It took a good while to feel remotely okay to where I could even sit up or move and feel okay. I just didn’t know what to do. The day dragged. IT FELT SO POINTLESS!! Everything was absolutely meaningless. Running thoughts of, “what If I got never get better? I feel stuck, what if I never find what I love to do? What is it I’m here to EVEN DO? What do you want of me God?” Anxiety is constant worry of the future, wanting to be in control and when you feel you don’t have control, anxiety goes into full gear. Having let it control me for years and learning now and retraining my brain to new, healthy patterns has been a huge challenge AND it’s getting easier. Do I still have my days? Yes, BUT they don’t get as severe nor last as long. I have to practice, practice, practice and LEAN ON GOD. He truly provides peace that no one or anything else can or will.

To be honest, I don’t remember much of that day other than that morning, knowing prayer is what got me through. And it’s days like that where I can look back and see how far I’ve come, to appreciate the good times even more and be thankful for every struggle.

If you have ever experienced anything relative to this I can only encourage you with all my heart to let Jesus take over and put it all in his hands, give it all to him. Sit there if you have to, cry, yell, scream, do what you need to do, but try to LET GO! We can not hold all our worries or we will destroy our souls. We have a God that wants to take care of us, to hold us, to love us. Jesus died on the cross for us! That’s how much he loves us. 

“Because of the brokenness of this world, you always need a refuge—but especially in times of trouble. When you are hurting, I yearn to shelter you in My powerful, loving Presence. So turn to Me in tough times, and you will find Me faithful.” — Jesus Calling