"I do."

I have spent my life not loving well. I've BEEN loved but I sure haven't loved others well. 

My brother got married this weekend. It has me thinking on love. The stages of love. What is love? How do you know when you've found the person to marry? Just... How. Do. You. Know? 

The pastor at the wedding talked about how when you get past a certain time of being together, those love butterfly feelings will start to go away little by little. I know what he's talking about. That honeymoon stage. After that, love is a CHOICE, it's not based off feelings. 

Think about it. God made us. Think of how exciting that must have been when he created each one of us, in his way, in his timing. The joy he must have felt. Well I'm 26 now, God has chosen me. He's made several other people since me. The excitement could be different now, but He's CHOSEN me and doesn't leave me. Those initial feelings we get when we first start dating someone, grow into something more, into something bigger than butterfly feelings. But oh how hard it is when that significant other does something stupid and we know we have to forgive them. Because that's what Jesus does. He forgives us, because he loves us. What if he gave up on us for our mistakes we make? There'd be no such thing as love anymore if that were the case. 

But, 'she cheated on me!', 'she kicked me in the face!', 'he's choosing alcohol over me!', 'he's controlling!'. There are many things we could see as unforgivable. But Jesus says otherwise. 

Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

I'm grateful for that. And that also means, don't abuse God's mercy and grace. "Oh He'll forgive me anyways so it won't hurt just this one time..." AH, AH, AH, not the way it works. Been there, tried that. Learn from other's mistakes on that one. That is not the mindset to be in as it will lead to a lot of hurt. Choices > consequences. BUT if you make a mistake and hurt someone in doing so. You ARE worthy of forgiveness. (I know, hard to accept). Hopefully that icky feeling will be bad enough that you don't do it again! If it isn't, and you mess up again. Guess what? Jesus is still there waiting for you. Maybe you don't accept that at first, that's okay. He'll still be there waiting when you're ready. He chose you. Just like maybe one day, you're future husband.

I have had a locked heart, unable to receive and give love. I don't have any experience to tell you about that's caused it. I guess just over time, it's how I trained myself to be. I gave myself fully to guys I shouldn't have and so I put up walls. But sure, I've been through things and when I look back it looks to me, like a lot of it was self caused/destruction. That's why I struggle loving. I don't love myself good enough quite yet because I'm having a hard time completely forgiving myself for the things I've done (so why am I talking to you about loving yourself?! ;)) to show you it gets better. I've learned to love myself better, but I struggle with it thus why all my relationships have been difficult as well. Very difficult. BUT, I've had someone come into my life that has definitely challenged me and has NEVER given up on me. God has really worked through him in my life. It's beautiful and it's challenging. What do they say? Nothing good comes easy... Truest cliche saying I've ever known! :)

So, I guess I've come closer to seeing how two people could know when to say, "I do". When that person chooses you everyday even when you mess up real bad, they still say, "I forgive you and I still want you."