So many feelings.

Currently, I'm in a stage/season of life where I'm learning how to enjoy my own company. All my years I've lived, I never wanted to be 'alone'. Whether it be a boyfriend or a gal friend, I needed someone to be close with. Not just that, but even being in my house for too long by myself and I would have anxiety. I just couldn't be 'alone'. I want to say how nice it has been to learn how to be okay without constant dependence on a person for contentment or happiness! The Lord has provided in this amazing resolution. 

I remember a time when I lived in Colorado and I was in bed and I could not sleep and my mind was racing and racing and I started feeling panic. I all of a sudden felt the walls caving in, my mind was thinking of how big the world is but how small it is at the same time and how microscopic I felt in this big yet small world. I started hyperventilating and I went out onto the balcony but the fresh air didn't help, nothing was helping this feeling of like I was so small and it didn't matter if I was on this earth or not. I didn't know what to do. I paced my bedroom for I don't know how long, crying for this pain to go away, this empty, dark pain. Was I going to wake up and feel this way? Am I going to die feeling this way? What is happening to me, why am I like this?!? I felt SO ALONE.

Feeling... anxiety... panic attacks... worry... insecure... doubt... depression... emotions... FEELINGS.

I want to tell you something. I don't pace my room anymore at night unable to breathe because I feel scared or alone. I want to tell you that the Lord has changed this for me. I want to tell you that whenever I may start having anxiety because I start worrying about who knows what, that I invite Jesus in to be with me and comfort me. I wasn't able to do that before well, because I didn't trust Him I suppose. I FELT like He couldn't help me. Like He wouldn't understand my feelings. But the truth? He is the one who created feelings. He knows all about feelings and He also wants us to be mindful of them and use them the best way we can, which we all fail at at times, I KNOW I DO! LORD, HELP ME! :)  Ephesians 4:18, "They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart."

I also want you to know it FEELS nice to be at home and enjoy cooking alone (well my dog gets the scraps), to watch a tv show/movie and enjoy my own company eating popcorn with myself and Ellie (my dog) (ok, so i'm not 100% alone) ;), it feels nice to lay my head at night and fall asleep contently, it FEELS okay to just be okay. AND, it's taken time to get to this point and I still have a long ways to go... but these feelings, these feelings are okay.

I FEEL like this is all I've got to say for now :)

Later friends,

-D <3