RealEyes

I have been grateful for my sobriety throughout this whole time but I would like to share how super, super, super grateful I am for my sobriety now that I'm PREGNANT!!! I imagine how much different it would be getting pregnant during my drinking day's and how miserable that would've made the pregnancy experience because I'd be so focused the whole time on not drinking instead of enjoying being pregnant. I'm sure people have done it. I'm sure it's been a good incentive for some to get sober because they found out they were pregnant, and that's great! I'm just personally grateful it's gone in this order for me. It's just another praise to God and gift to share with you all! Look at how many gifts there are in being sober.  Some may wonder when they read about sobriety posts, "why do they talk about this so much? This is something I do almost every day, not drink. Why can't they?" That's the difference between an addicted, sick...

Today has been a really bad day. I am an emotional person and the longer I'm sober the more aware I am of my emotions and how many of them I have. While I was on my walk today, I was praising God because I thought of the big book and how it says something along the lines of, "even on the worst day's now sober, I wouldn't go back to the best day's of my drinking day's". I felt that today. Even though I'm having a really bad emotional day, I was thanking God for being sober and I wouldn't trade it.  Even though my head is buzzing with noise, my heart heavy with sadness, my body restless and angst, my soul longing for warmth (all circumstantial reasonings; not an absence of Jesus; I'm still human), I am so thankful I don't desire to drink. It's surreal that this is my reality. That I don't have to drink away my uncomfortable feeling's anymore. As much as my ego would like to take credit for it and say, "yay! I'M doing sooo...

Powerlessness. My life had become unmanageable. I was powerless over alcohol the first time I ever had it. I was such a slob. Yet I continued to ingest it for a decade, not coming to realize I was powerless over it even after I was freshly sober. I admitted I was powerless over it but I didn't fully grasp it for a couple months of being sober. I fully believe and know now that I am powerless over alcohol. I cannot and I do not have to have alcohol. I am free without it! Like alcohol, I am also powerless over other things in life. Like people. I am powerless over what they do to me. I. cannot control what someone does to me or says to me. I do have power of how I respond. This is freedom. The freedom to choose how to handle a situation. Just like I had the freedom to choose whether I keep on down the road of killing myself or the possibility of someone else by drinking. I struggled to let go of drinking. I've struggled to respond well to being hurt by someone. "Evening, mor...

I post about my sobriety not for attention or self-praise but for awareness of the reality of it and hopefully to be of help to anyone wanting to get help but may be afraid to. I want to show the benefits and freedom from choosing to stay sober. There are times when it can get hard, that's the reality and sickness of it, but I'm thankful to God I have stayed sober. Today makes 8 months and 23 day's alcohol free for me and it is only by the grace of God. It is only by the grace of God do I experience freedom, joy, contentment, and peace. I have a new perspective on life and it is one I have to consciously and intentionally choose if I want to continue to have freedom, joy, contentment, and peace. I am so thankful for God's blessings he's graciously giving me each day. No matter what happens in life, because trials inevitably happen, there is always something to be grateful for. Get up each morning and decide what you are thankful for and watch your daily perspective ...

I... Was on my hands and knees crying out to God Accepted the fact that I needed help Reached out for help Got myself a sponsor Quit being in denial about my addiction  Attend AA meeting's Work the steps Praise God Struggle some day's Get up and try again Cry some other day's Get up and try again❤ And in 60 day's... I haven't picked up the bottle. "God,  Grant me the serenity to accept the thing's I cannot change, the courage to change the thing's I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

 Oh, alcohol, my dear friend A friend I had to let go of My best friend of all friends Should have been long ago You were always there When I needed an escape You removed all my fears But left me with many, many tears You were "cunning, baffling and powerful"! You sucked me in Sucked me all dry You're the best friend I didn't let get away Now I'm glad you're gone Gone out of my life The past is where You will stay My present has No room for you Goodbye my dear friend I'll tell all the others About your cunning, baffling, and powerfulness. How you deceive, tell lies You're not a best friend You were an experience Waiting to take me to hell.  

The truth is I'm a "loner" because I put myself through stuff I don't want to go through again.  The truth is I'm super insecure and I found someone who loves me for who I am and I've found comfort in him.  The truth is I'm super insecure because I used to put my self worth and value in people and things that didn't care about me and my wellbeing.  The truth is You wouldn't believe me if I told you things about me that I've done or who I "used to be". The truth is God is real and he proves that to me repeatedly and I know I'm doing nothing to prove His realness and I have extreme conviction of this. The truth is This blog is the only thing thats made me feel like I'm potentially doing anything for anybody or somebody.  The truth is I'm not what I seem. And I'm sorry for that. Because all I've done for the last 29 years of my life is struggle, just like you. But all I've done is put on a front like I haven't...

The truth is... it's not  easy being a christian. The last four year's since being back home (how has it been four years already?) It hasn't been smooth sailing and easy. I've done my best to be encouraging on here but I also don't want to forget that I promised to be real and raw. And the truth is... it's been hard. Life is hard. Being a christian is hard. Satan has seen me seek the Lord and he does not like it. His presence is so evident in the world right now. I'm not the only one fighting with the devil. And praise God if you are fighting the devil because that mean's you are not on his side!  In all honesty, this road I'm on that's one of seeking God and living for Him, has been one bumpy road. I brought home with me a lot of baggage. I've cleaned a few suitcases out but there seems to always be another one to unpack and clean out. It wasn't like a switch just flipped and I was all better just by coming back home away from all the me...

I fell in love with EDM (electronic dance music) when I was introduced to it in Colorado in 2014 at a red rocks music show. I had never felt so much excitement before, something that I knew I had been craving but didn't know what I was craving until that moment I was there at that music show. I had zero idea what EDM music was but at that show, I was instantly hooked. From there on out, I was sure to be at every show I could be at. EDM life is something you simply cannot explain but wish for everyone to experience at some point in their life. I was a person who grew up not feeling apart of a group in junior high and high school as well as college. So when I found EDM, I was hooked. It was a place where I felt accepted, loved and free to be who I wanted. I could dress how I wanted, dance how I wanted and meet a lot of like-minded humans. I really had never smiled so much until attending these shows. Along with these shows, comes temptation's. I didn't discover these temptat...

Currently, I'm in a stage/season of life where I'm learning how to enjoy my own company. All my years I've lived, I never wanted to be 'alone'. Whether it be a boyfriend or a gal friend, I needed someone to be close with. Not just that, but even being in my house for too long by myself and I would have anxiety. I just couldn't be 'alone'. I want to say how nice it has been to learn how to be okay without constant dependence on a person for contentment or happiness! The Lord has provided in this amazing resolution.  I remember a time when I lived in Colorado and I was in bed and I could not sleep and my mind was racing and racing and I started feeling panic. I all of a sudden felt the walls caving in, my mind was thinking of how big the world is but how small it is at the same time and how microscopic I felt in this big yet small world. I started hyperventilating and I went out onto the balcony but the fresh air didn't help, nothing was helping this f...

I have spent my life not loving well. I've BEEN loved but I sure haven't loved others well.  My brother got married this weekend. It has me thinking on love. The stages of love. What is love? How do you know when you've found the person to marry? Just... How. Do. You. Know?  The pastor at the wedding talked about how when you get past a certain time of being together, those love butterfly feelings will start to go away little by little. I know what he's talking about. That honeymoon stage. After that, love is a CHOICE, it's not based off feelings.  Think about it. God made us. Think of how exciting that must have been when he created each one of us, in his way, in his timing. The joy he must have felt. Well I'm 26 now, God has chosen me. He's made several other people since me. The excitement could be different now, but He's CHOSEN me and doesn't leave me. Those initial feelings we get when we first start dating someone, grow into something more, int...

I want 'more'. But this time not in the selfish ways as before. I, personally yes, want more. What's different is that I want to follow God's will. I want to do whatever it is He has planned for me. I desire 'more'. And I pray the desires of my heart will conform to HIS WILL! Following the desires of my heart in the past lead me to a path of destruction. I really don't want to feel those sad, lonely feelings again. I want to live out HIS will! What do you want of me, Lord? What are these feelings of wanting 'more'? I know it means SOMETHING! I'm not going to ignore them... 

. That's just the way it is.  You say your apologizes to who you think you should to (i'm sure there will be more), do your best each day to be better than the last (most of the time), think before acting or speaking (I try), make better choices (doesn't always happen), etc. And I'll never be perfect. But I'm trying. And there's going to be those select few that define you of your past and what you did. They will glare at you in disgust defining your every being of what choices you once made. They'll curl their lip and look at you like your scum. There will be those people. Thank God I've learned not to let people define my worth. I pray those people will forgive me, just as my Lord forgives me. And when someone needs my forgiveness, I pray to God I'll be able to do the same because I've been given more grace than I should have had to ask for. I've made the same mistakes more than once. I've let people down more than once. And here I am, ...

Rewind time just a bit to make sense of a few things: January 21, 2019 I had a snowboard accident (thank the Lord I had a helmet on) thought it was a concussion, went to an urgent care where they did a CT which came back fine and told me if I proceeded to throw up and the headache wouldn’t go away, to come back. Three days later, January 24 is when I ended up in the mental hospital. Out of the mental hospital January 27 and into jail February 4. In the jail was where the deathly pain began.   So to the hospital my parents took me and there the doc didn’t feel it was necessary to get another CT on my head since a few days prior the CT came back fine. He gave me some crackers, water and ibuprofen and sent me on my way. The headache wouldn’t go away. So I got used to it for two months but decided to make an appointment to get a MRI. “Don’t freak out.” My doc told me. I looked to my mom with wide eyes. Well when someone tells you not to freak out, what do you do? ...