Heartache

When I got home (home back here with family), I didn’t think I was going to get over the heartbreak. The heart break I had caused unto myself and unto others I love. The heaviness of guilt I was carrying with me felt too heavy to think that it would ever go away. I was lying in bed one night shortly after getting home and a song came on and the words sang, “said you loved me, but what does that mean? would you cry, if I would leave? In my aching hands running down your spine, you said you’d love me.” This song is one I’ll put on just to remember how far I’ve come from that night I first heard it. That night I felt how broken I was by all the walls I’ve let down for men, for relationships. Giving myself fully to people I should not have been. My heart felt broken into pieces. This was a moment of questioning why I’d done the things I’ve done and asking God if I’ll ever be better...

It took years of anger held in, impulsive decisions with serious consequences, self inflicted violence, mentally abusive relationships,  suicide ideations and one suicide attempt, inpatient psychiatry care, alcoholism and jail for me to wake up. Had I not hit rock bottom, it is scary to think where I would’ve ended up had I not chose to take the right path after hitting rock bottom. 

It’s taken restless nights of tear soaked pillows, cuddles with my pup, handful or more of repetitive ‘i’m sorry’s’, distrust with loved ones, uncomfortable encounters, relapse, self criticism, isolation, depression holes, anxiety, unwanted hugs, prayers, so on and so forth. It’s taken a lot of ‘help me Jesus!’ cry outs. It’s taken me reaching out to people even when I really don’t want to. [I’M HERE TO GET COMFORTABLE WITH BEING UNCOMFORTABLE. How else can one grow without getting outside your safe zone?] It’s taken these things for me to get where I am and to where I’m going. It’s a journey, not a destination. 

I was reading chapter 9 out of book of John today, about Jesus curing the blind man. What I take out of it is that Jesus uses us. He uses our struggles we go through, to show others who he is. We don’t go through hard times for no reason!! YOUR STRUGGLES ARE OF GOOD TEACHINGS! Are they always fun? NO! Thus why we ought to LEAN on HIM. I crashed and BURNED trying to rely on my own dang strength, I fell stinkin’ hard. It hurt. And I hurt others around me. Every single person who came into my life. Every. Single. One. 

Do you have struggles you have or are going through that you just throw your hands up and ask, ‘why me? why this?’… know what I’ve learned? To turn those words into, “what are you wanting of me through this lord? help me to see this through your eyes and provide me the strength and knowledge to get through this.’ And maybe we’ll never know here on earth exactly why AND that’s okay. Faith is believing.  

I want to use my stories to show you what Jesus has showed me thus far. And I know my future holds lots of ups and downs. And for once, I’m okay with knowing that. I know who is taking care of me and I know He’s looking out for me. Because I’m allowing Him to do work in my life now. I want His help. 

What is going on in your life that you feel you can’t handle or do anymore? 

Give it to God. Watch him take care of you. 

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together will all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” — Ephesians 3:16-19