RealEyes

January 27th, 2019   “I miss the sunshine and outside fresh air. It’s amazing the things we take for granted. The smallest, tiniest things we don’t think about on our daily hussle and bussle lives. Being locked up here has me missing my freedom and making me grateful for my life and everything God has blessed me with. I’m grateful for my eyes to see the sunshine shining through the window right now, my healthy skin to be able to enjoy outside air and physical capabilities to do the activities I enjoy. I’m grateful for my health, that I don’t have a physical or other mental illness that can’t be dealt with. I miss the freedom to be able to do what I want and need. Like brush my hair and teeth, shower, poop in private, eat what I want, write with a pen, sleep in my bed, the list could go on and on. I really miss being able to go outside the most. It’s probably ok to get a break from my music. Let my mind just be, instead of influenced by all the music all the time. Same with t...

When I got home (home back here with family), I didn’t think I was going to get over the heartbreak. The heart break I had caused unto myself and unto others I love. The heaviness of guilt I was carrying with me felt too heavy to think that it would ever go away. I was lying in bed one night shortly after getting home and a song came on and the words sang, “said you loved me, but what does that mean? would you cry, if I would leave? In my aching hands running down your spine, you said you’d love me.” This song is one I’ll put on just to remember how far I’ve come from that night I first heard it. That night I felt how broken I was by all the walls I’ve let down for men, for relationships. Giving myself fully to people I should not have been. My heart felt broken into pieces. This was a moment of questioning why I’d done the things I’ve done and asking God if I’ll ever be better... It took years of anger held in, impulsive decisions with serious consequences, self inflicted vi...

heart beaten down no more I can do emptiness inside not a single clear view venom in my veins red hot wrists cold black eyes skin wearing thin you saw through it all that deep in my heart it was you I was longing for self indulgence lust and infatuation meaningless encounters whisper whispers of nothing emotions of rage spitting through clenched teeth tears crashing down broken within yet you saw through it all that deep in my heart it was you I was longing for tired eyes  no hope to be seen mouth opened wide downed all of my fears I don't remember how  but I screamed out for help even when it felt impossible to fight the devil through it all  it led me to you cold stone heart shattered being remade with the love of Jesus I am saved <3 <3 <3

I know that everyones depression is different because we are our own selves but I think people who have had or do live with depression can relate in one way or another. Awhile back I made a book of what depression can be like for me. I wanted the ones who loved me to get insight and an understanding of what goes on inside me. Not everyone will understand but it's important to let others in and share your struggles and let others know how they can help at all when in a time of depression. It's not pretty, it's not enjoyable, it's nothing to celebrate, it's not in desire of attention. It's also not something we should hide, feel ashamed of or less of a person. I don't care how far you've fallen into your hole, you CAN climb up it and out of it with the help from others and from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  "As for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." -- Micah 7:7 The Sp...

September 10, 2011 “I really am not liking my life lately. Feeling’ depressed. This isn’t good.     I don’t feel cared for. And I don’t know what to do. I want to go crazy. “ September 20, 2011 “Some days are sooo good. Some days are bleh. Some days are shit. Everyone has em. Question: why does my mood change drastically from one day to the next? My mind set changes so much. One day it’s completely positive, the next day or so, it’s opposite. It don’t make sense to me!   Today, I’m… bleh. It’s w/e. Yesterday… I was so happy. And the whole weekend I was happy. It was great.” December 2, 2011 Dear Life, “You’re frustrating. Sometimes I just wanna quit, be normal for a bit. But I can’t, Jesus’ on my side. Devil tryna get the best of me, psst, he can kiss my butt.” [can we just get a HA HA right there (GEEZ)] August 29, 2012 Jesus, I have a HARD time dealing with my emotions. I know you understand and I’d like to feel be...

I dreamt I was searching for someone desperately, in panic and anxiety; I had to find this person. I found this person and the cutting words of “I don’t love you forever like I thought I would” cut deep. I walked down to a wide open snowy area —I was at a ski resort— I began dancing or skating, I’m not sure which, and when I was finished I went and took a seat on the ground. A woman came and sat beside me and asked what was wrong. Before I could answer an older white haired man came and sat beside me as well, looked at the lady and said, “didnt you see that?” Referring to me, “she was so angry. But then she started dancing as if their was music playing. She began to smile, a peace overswept her, it appeared. It was beautiful.” And he left. I smiled big, turned to the lady to answer her question, sighed heavily, “I don’t even know where to begin...”   And in my wildest dreams I never thought my life would be where it is now:   At 24 having to start all over. I thoug...

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what th...