RealEyes

Currently, I'm in a stage/season of life where I'm learning how to enjoy my own company. All my years I've lived, I never wanted to be 'alone'. Whether it be a boyfriend or a gal friend, I needed someone to be close with. Not just that, but even being in my house for too long by myself and I would have anxiety. I just couldn't be 'alone'. I want to say how nice it has been to learn how to be okay without constant dependence on a person for contentment or happiness! The Lord has provided in this amazing resolution.  I remember a time when I lived in Colorado and I was in bed and I could not sleep and my mind was racing and racing and I started feeling panic. I all of a sudden felt the walls caving in, my mind was thinking of how big the world is but how small it is at the same time and how microscopic I felt in this big yet small world. I started hyperventilating and I went out onto the balcony but the fresh air didn't help, nothing was helping this f...

I have spent my life not loving well. I've BEEN loved but I sure haven't loved others well.  My brother got married this weekend. It has me thinking on love. The stages of love. What is love? How do you know when you've found the person to marry? Just... How. Do. You. Know?  The pastor at the wedding talked about how when you get past a certain time of being together, those love butterfly feelings will start to go away little by little. I know what he's talking about. That honeymoon stage. After that, love is a CHOICE, it's not based off feelings.  Think about it. God made us. Think of how exciting that must have been when he created each one of us, in his way, in his timing. The joy he must have felt. Well I'm 26 now, God has chosen me. He's made several other people since me. The excitement could be different now, but He's CHOSEN me and doesn't leave me. Those initial feelings we get when we first start dating someone, grow into something more, int...

I want 'more'. But this time not in the selfish ways as before. I, personally yes, want more. What's different is that I want to follow God's will. I want to do whatever it is He has planned for me. I desire 'more'. And I pray the desires of my heart will conform to HIS WILL! Following the desires of my heart in the past lead me to a path of destruction. I really don't want to feel those sad, lonely feelings again. I want to live out HIS will! What do you want of me, Lord? What are these feelings of wanting 'more'? I know it means SOMETHING! I'm not going to ignore them... 

. That's just the way it is.  You say your apologizes to who you think you should to (i'm sure there will be more), do your best each day to be better than the last (most of the time), think before acting or speaking (I try), make better choices (doesn't always happen), etc. And I'll never be perfect. But I'm trying. And there's going to be those select few that define you of your past and what you did. They will glare at you in disgust defining your every being of what choices you once made. They'll curl their lip and look at you like your scum. There will be those people. Thank God I've learned not to let people define my worth. I pray those people will forgive me, just as my Lord forgives me. And when someone needs my forgiveness, I pray to God I'll be able to do the same because I've been given more grace than I should have had to ask for. I've made the same mistakes more than once. I've let people down more than once. And here I am, ...

Rewind time just a bit to make sense of a few things: January 21, 2019 I had a snowboard accident (thank the Lord I had a helmet on) thought it was a concussion, went to an urgent care where they did a CT which came back fine and told me if I proceeded to throw up and the headache wouldn’t go away, to come back. Three days later, January 24 is when I ended up in the mental hospital. Out of the mental hospital January 27 and into jail February 4. In the jail was where the deathly pain began.   So to the hospital my parents took me and there the doc didn’t feel it was necessary to get another CT on my head since a few days prior the CT came back fine. He gave me some crackers, water and ibuprofen and sent me on my way. The headache wouldn’t go away. So I got used to it for two months but decided to make an appointment to get a MRI. “Don’t freak out.” My doc told me. I looked to my mom with wide eyes. Well when someone tells you not to freak out, what do you do? ...